It’s amazing what happens when you realise that you need a complete 180 in life. The emotions that you feel, you realise that you have a weight on your shoulders that you finally noticed. You never did realise what it was that was weighing you down. You just know you felt stuck, unable to move forward, and you never could figure out what was the reasoning for it.
I recently figured this out, I was stuck in a dead end job working for a company that had no advancement potential in any near future. I was also plauged with a manager who clearly had some issues with certain people and pretty much constantly was trying to get them to quit by making them feel that they were going to be fired any day. It isn’t a good feeling to think that every single day your job was in jeopardy. The constant fear that you could do anything to screw things up and not knowing what it would be. Walking on eggshells in hopes that you would have your job the next day. No one should ever have to live their life like that. Wondering if you should speak up to the inequalities that go on in the work place because you fear that you will lose your job, or it will affect you negatively in potential employment in the future. No one should have to deal with that.
I am just happy I am finally free from such and can now focus on making something of myself.
I am often asked what kind of photography I like to shoot, and for that, I usually answer, nature photography. When I am asked why I prefer nature photography, I always answer with “because nature doesn’t pose.” Now this answer isn’t fully true, because nature does pose, but when I talk about posing in pictures, I really am talking about the true nature of the photo. When you take a picture of nature, what you take is exactly what you see. When you take a picture of people socializing, the people will typically pose for the picture, stripping the true emotion and essence out of the photo. The smiles tend to be forced, and you can sometimes see the awkward positioning that comes with each posed photo. Some people genuinely don’t wish to be next to the person they are next to and it will just create a tension in the photo. In some situations, that can be a good thing, when you are trying to capture an awkward moment, but those tend to be few and far between.
If I take a picture I want to see the joy that goes on between people as if I am not actually there. I don’t want to stand out with the camera, because then you always get just the façade, never the truth. This is why I loved shooting doing the photoshoot with my friends the other day. Their personality and relationship is one where it just flows. It is clear to see this from the photos in each one they are truly enjoying themselves. Throughout the whole shoot I just talked with them, joked with them, and took pictures when I thought it was appropriate.
Without further adieu I present a selection of my favourite photo’s from that photoshoot.
It’s is amazing to me what a camera can do for me. It also is a shame that I lost all that I used to do in terms of photography. Back when I was really into photography I took pictures left and right, you would never see me without a camera. For the past 5 years now though, I was often seen without a camera, I just didn’t seem to care.
From 2000 to 2004, I would estimate that I took somewhere around 7000 photos. That may not be that much for some photographers, but I was never in the professional level, for me it was always a hobby. Alas from 2004 to 2009, I only took around 2000 photos. This is quite a change for me, because I always felt at home behind a camera lens. For me photography is a way to see the world as it should be seen, the true emotions captured on film, and I am the conductor, I have control over that. When life itself has spiraled out of control, I at least know I can still control what I see and how others view it.
For a backstory on my photography, it really all started with a really old Nikon Point and Shoot 35 mm camera, a Nikon L44. This camera was given to me by my grandmother when I was visiting florida back in 6th grade. It was then when I started taking a photography course (the only one I ever took) in middle school. In 7th grade, I took a picture, and this was the picture that started everything. This picture, won 1st place in all of Baltimore County, and 2nd place in all of Maryland for Black and White Life Studies. The picture was a total fluke accident, I was taking a picture of my dog after she had just ate a bird, and I snapped this, sheer fluke. It was at that point, I realised just how amazing photography can be.
My next camera was a Nikon 4004 my parents old SLR (Single Lens Reflex) that they had since they had been married, I was the one who inherited it, and I put it through it’s paces. It was with that camera that I learned how to roll my own black and white film, and learned more about composing the proper shot. I used this camera for a good 2 or so years before the Nikon N80 was about to be released. I was quite excited about this camera for all the features that it did have to offer (in hidesight, when I look at the features that Digital SLR’s have nowadays it seems so trivial.) I was so excited I called up Coopers Camera shop every single day hoping to find out if they had the camera in stock. One day I stopped in with my mother to get some more film, and the Nikon Representative was at the store with a couple N80′s that he was able to sell. I begged and pleaded with my mother to let me buy the camera and she let me. I was one of the first people on the east coast to ever own an N80. I probably took a good 2000 pictures with that camera, including shooting a Bat Mitzvah and a Birthday Party.
Alas as time went on, I realised just how expensive film processing was, and my film based photography started to die off. It just wasn’t cost effective. I kept telling myself that I wanted to get into Digital Photography, but it was never cost effective. I simply did not have enough liquid cash to purchase a new camera for myself. It was around 2004 when this realisation happened, right when I moved to Florida. It was at this point that my photography started to teeter off. Sure I had point and shoot digital camera’s but they never accomplished what I really wanted, a large sturdy camera to be able to take photos, near and far with fully manual abilities, and fine tuning over every little aspect of the photo. They did accomplish tasks of making it easier to carry a camera with me and documenting the small acts in life, but it was like trying to use a pea to cork a wine bottle, it just never would work. There was a giant hole in my life that was missing and over time, I forgot what filled that hole.
Lately I came to the conclusion that I needed to find what will fill that hole, and make me more complete, and it was with much thought process that I realised what was missing. I decided by my birthday of 2010 I would have myself a new DSLR to utilise. I was on a phone call with a customer while teaching him about Aperture and Raw file formats when I brought up my desire to buy a DSLR by my birthday. It was mentioned in passing and nothing else was brought up about it. Later in the lesson, he commented on how he had multiple DSLR’s. I asked just how many he had, and as he was counting them he mentioned that he was going to mail me one for the holidays, just as a gift, no questions asked. Clearly I was floored, I didn’t know what to say, or how to show my appreciation, here is a customer who has no obligation to provide me with anything at all, who is just going to give me a Camera for the holiday’s. Now I have my chance to fully get back into my photography and I couldn’t be more thankful for such.
So I realized, it’s actually quite amusing, a while back I had a livejournal. Now, in that livejournal I would write whatever I wanted about my feelings because no one knew my real name, I never wrote about politics or technology or any of my ideas because it was just a place to vent.
I have abandoned livejournal and switched over to this and shockingly I can’t find much to write about. In reality it’s because it’s my own personal domain, thus it has a tracer back to me, that and who really wants to hear me complain about random life bullshit anyways, that’s what livejournal is for in the first place….it’s a place for the emo to complain anonymously. I just find it amusing that I would have no issue talking about any issue in my livejournal yet as soon as I have my own website I clam up like nothing else.
So here I am sitting at the beach just….thinking. Lately I have gone to the beach every single night. I guess in a sense to try to sort out all that has happened lately. My life is finally starting to take off in the direction I have been hoping for. It has taken long enough for me to find my groove and now I have. Work is going amazingly and I couldn’t he happier. I am on 3 important teams and making myself invaluble to the company. Next step is a visit to Philly since that is wayyyyy overdue. And the third step is to get into a successful HEALTHY relationship.
Most importantly I am starting to study my programming languages again so I could even start up some web development. And yes this is all leading somewhere. I intend to one day own it own company. And it will be crucial that I outsource as little as possible at first to keep overhead down.
Occasionally I like to reminisce about the times past, and how my childhood was. Today I decided to look through all my pictures of my time at Camp Harlam. I only went there for about 4 years, but I gotta say, I quite enjoyed it…which is quite strange, because I always felt like the outcast there. Back then I was happy with having 1-2 friends, and just sitting around, doing nothing, being part of nature. Or watching others play sports while I sat around taking pictures.
When I tried to rekindle some connections, the way they remembered me was by me saying “You know….I was the guy with the camera.” That was what I was known by. Kinda weird to realize that, none of my traits actually stood out enough to be remembered, just being known as “the camera guy.” I guess in a sense that’s partially my fault because I didn’t try to make myself stand out, but at the same time, I guess I felt alienated. I have always been a bit self conscious, and worried about what others think about me, so in turn I guess, I just let it be that way.
In a sense, now I sort of revel in the way I don’t linger in people’s minds. I can go out alone, meet new people each time, and then part ways never having to talk to them again, never worrying about any future awkwardness, because generally, they won’t remember me. I guess it’s good, I’d rather not be remembered than be remembered as “that weird dude.”
Lately though, I have been trying to change things, and actually meet people to meet people. Get to actually know them and make more friends, go out and be more social. It’s a refreshing change, but I sort of will miss the whole “no one remembers me” phase, though I think to some extent, it will always be with me, unless I make myself stand out.
